Crack-a-lacin' Hetalia
by GerItaMustBeCannonItIsProphecy
Summary: Just a crackfic I wrote because I was bored. Maybe funny, maybe not, you decide! Warning: Rated T because of Canada's language. Just enjoy, Desu!
1. You Should've Seen It Coming

**Author's Note: This is my first crack fic and I don't know if it's really all that funny to anyone other than me, but I thought I would try! I hope I don't kill you with boredom. Enjoy and if it sucks, I'm sorry! Enjoy, Desu!**

**~Neko-chan**

It was a mid-winter's day with a slight breeze and Canada was sitting at home, enjoying the playoffs for hockey, when all hell broke loose.

America: *Bursts through the door without knocking* 'Sup Canadia! How's it hangin' bro-ha?

Canada: *Gets really irritated and annoyed* It's Canada, and why are you here?

America: Well, I wanted to see you and your front door was unlocked so I just walked in! *smiles*

Canada: GTFO! NOW!

America: *Makes a puppy-dog face* Bu-but Cana-

Canada: NOW, YA LIL' SHIT!

America: ok, ok. I'm goin'.

(~Magical time-skip brought to you by England's unicorn~)

Canada: *Eats popcorn and watches hockey* Finally he's gone! I was afraid he'd never leave!

America: *Kicks down the door* Guess who's back with friends!

Canada: THAT WAS MY F*CKING DOOR! WHAT THE HELL?!

France: It is alright. *Goes over to Canada and sits next to him* We will fix it, with our love!

Canada: I don't understand… WHY YOU PEOPLE ARE IN MY HOUSE!

Denmark: *Pops his head in from the ceiling with Prussia* Hey America, we need to go if we're going to that bar.

Prussia: JA! I NEED ZE BEER MAN, ZE BEER!

America: Ok dudes! *Jumps through the ceiling with Prussia and Denmark*

Japan: What just happened?

Canada: It happens all the time. And when did you get here Japan?

Japan: I've been here the whole time. So has China and Russia.

Russia: You have seen him do that before, da?

China: I don't even know, aru.

France: OUR LOVE WILL FIX IT ALL!

Canada: Just… I don't… Forget it. I'm going with Japan. *Walks out of the house with Japan*

(~Graceful time-skip brought to you by Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia~)

*At America's house with America, England, Denmark, Prussia, and Poland*

America: Dudes, I've been meaning to ask you something.

England: What is it?

America: Have you guys met my kids?

Everyone: YOU HAVE KIDS?! SINCE WHEN?!

America: I've had kids for a long time. *Hears giggling outside* Some of them are here now! *Runs out the door to get them*

Denmark: Since when has that guy had kids?

Prussia: And if he has kids, who's the mom?

America: *Comes back in with some teenagers* Guys, I'd like you to meet three of my kids! This is Arizona, Texas and Florida!

The states: Hey!

England: America, I have a question.

America: What?

England: Who is the-

Prussia: WHO IS THEIR MOTHER?! DAMNIT, YOU BETTER TELL ZE AWESOME ME NOW!

America: *Laughs nervously* Oh, their mom is.. uh… I THINK I HEAR CHINA CALLING FOR ME! GOT TO GO! *Runs off*

Denmark: So does that mean that China is the mom?

Prussia and England: *Falls on the floor*

Texas: MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE!

Arizona: Why are yo-

Texas: A LIE!

Arizona: I'm done. *Gets a plate, breaks it, and opens a portal to China's house*

Florida: I don't understand.

Korea: *Appears out of nowhere* You don't need to understand. Just leave it alone. *Disappears*

Florida: What?

Korea: *Appears again* ALONE! *Disappears*

Prussia and England: Well then…


	2. It's France, What Could Go Wrong

**Hey Kiddies! I'm back with more Hetalia crack! Enjoy, Desu!**

**~Neko-chan**

Winter at England's house was a pleasant time. White snow littered the ground, the winter birds awoke in the morning and sing a joyful song, the lakes were frozen over and people ice-skated all day. This had always been England's favorite time of year. He would sit by his window each morning, with a different cup of tea, and listen to the birds. Today was no different. England sat by the window with Earl Grey tea and listened to the birds, that is, until France showed up…

France: *Bursts through the door* ohonhonhonhon! England, _mon cher_, 'ow are you today? *Stands next to England*

England: *Irritated* What do you want, you bloody frog-face?

France: I just came to see you, is t'at so wrong?

England: *Stands up suddenly* Yes, it is wrong. You can't just barge in here uninvited!

America: *Runs around naked* FREEDOM BITCHES!

Italy: *Also runs around naked* Ve~!

Germany: *Runs after Italy and America* YOU DUMMKOPFS GET BACK HERE AND PUT CLOTHES ON NOW!

Japan: *Hides in closet and gets pictures* Hungary-san wirr be so preased.

England: You bloody gits!

France: *Ran after America and Italy with Germany* Italy! America! Come play with Big Brother France!

Prussia + Spain: *Run in dressed as a unicorn*

Spain: Hola! Where is France?

England: *Stares in shock at Prussia and Spain*

Japan: *Comes out of the closet* (Pun intended) France-san went in that room with Itary and America. *Goes back in closet*

Prussia: ZE AWESOME ME VANTS TO LEAVE NOW!

England: *Finally come back to reality* Then leave!

Spain: NEVER!

Prussia + Spain: *Chases England around his home while yelling at England to take off his clothes*

England: *Spilled his tea while he ran* *Is now crying*

America: *Comes running down the hall, still naked* Hey, dude, what's wrong?

Arizona: *Teleports to America because I said so* Dad, put some clothes on. Or I will take your T.V.

America: *Glares* You wouldn't dare.

Arizona: *Glares back* Wouldn't I though? *Grins evily*

America: *Sighs defeated* Fine. *Walks away gloomily*

Arizona: And that is how it's done. *Teleports away*

Prussia: Vhat ze hell just happened?

Spain: *Taking a siesta*

Italy: *Running away from Germany* Germany! I put clothes on, why are you still chasing me?

Germany: GET HOME, NOW!

Italy: *Yelps and runs out the door with Germany in persuit*

France: *Comes out of the closet* Well, that was fun. Wouldn't you say, Japan?

Japan: *Blushing* Y-yes.

England: What the bloody hell happened in there?!

France: I don't want to explain! Prussia! Spain! Let us leave! *Jumps on their backs and rides them away*

Japan: *Still blushing* Hungary-san wirr be so proud! *Smiles*UNICORN POWERS ACTIVATE! FRY! *Runs out of the house*

England: *Calms down and makes another pot of tea* So done with people today. *Sips tea while stares out the window just as he realizes his clothes are gone* Shit… *Sighs and sips tea*


	3. QA TIME!

**HEY BROS! HOW ARE YOU?! I hope you're doing well. Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't updated for this in a while, it's just that I've been busy with other projects and stuff of that nature. SECOND ANYWAY OF THE DAY, I apologize to Miss Michelle, whom I haven't gotten back to. I apologize for not replying through PM, so I'll do it here!**

**Here you are dear, please enjoy and I hope this answers your questions!**

**~Neko-chan**

QUESTION ANSWERING PARTY! XD

**Question 1:**** Laughed so much . Everyone should be a little older now but, shouldn't America's kids be the first couple of the thirteen original colonies? Like Virginia, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maryland, New York so on and so forth? Yeah who is the mother and I would've liked to see that America's kids would be little five year-olds or something.**

**Answer**: **1.) **Well, seeing as how there are 50 states in the U.S., I thought, 'Oh, screw it. Why not use 3 random states to add a bit more weirdness to the whole thing.' Using the thirteen original colonies, which are Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina, North Carolina, New Hampshire, New York, New Jersey, Virginia, Rhode Island and Pennsylvania, is too mainstream for me, so I used some other states' Arizona, because I'm from there, Florida because Florida is America's 'you-know-what', and Texas because Texas is America's glasses. **2.)** I myself am not sure who the mother is. You and the fandom can decide who you think the mother is. **3.) **In my mind, the youngest state, Hawaii, is around 6 years old. Hawaii is this old because she was the last state to join the U.S. (It's true that Hawaii was annexed in 1898, but it did not become a state until August 21, 1959.) Following this logic, Arizona is around 13 or 14 years old because it became a state on February 14, 1912, and Texas is about 15 or 16 years old because it became a state on December 29, 1845.

**Also, it has come to my attention that you would like them to be in order. In my defense, they were in somewhat of an order. It went Texas, Arizona, and then Florida. So yeah. But I will talk more about America's kids, I promise!**

**Question 3:** **Also Texas, Florida, and Arizona boys or girls ?**

**Answer: (I'll let the states tell you.)**

Texas: I am male.

Arizona: I'm a girl

Florida: I'm a girl too!

**WELL DUDES, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS LITTLE 'QUESTION AND ANSWER' SESSION! Miss Michelle, I do hope I have answered all of your questions.**

**THIRD ANYWAY OF THE DAY, I'll add more chapters to this as soon as possible. In the meantime, just know that it just gets more random as time goes on. **

**Well, later guys. BYE, DESU~**


	4. I NEEDZ YOU TO READ THIS

**READ:**

A message from dracohalo117 and Leaf Ranger...SOPA is back, that is right people, the bill that is threatening to take away our freedoms on the internet and beyond is BACK, and not only is it back, but it is trying to be passed quietly so nobody notices, SOPA will guarantee that anybody who streams a video, whether it be on youtube, a walkthrough for a video game, or a kid singing a song that is 'copyrighted' they will be treated as a felon, that is right, a FELON, do you understand me? YOU will be treated like the highest form of criminal for uploading a video game walkthrough on youtube, for singing a song on karaoke, hell, you could be arrested and treated as a felon for posting a screenshot...

Now, why am I telling you this? Because this is only just the beginning, how long until Fanfiction is being attacked, how long until a fanfiction writer is being carted off to a maximum state prison for writing a character from Naruto into their fanfic, or a character from Bleach, or a character fro Sekirei or Seikon no Qwaser, Highschool DxD, Trinity Blood, Witchblade, how long until THAT crap is happening? I assure you that if this passes, it will not be long, oh no, it will not be long at all, because once this passes, then ANYTHING goes, Fanfiction will be attacked for using canon characters in a fanon manner, authors will be arrested for writing a book whose main character has glasses, just like in another series, artists will be arrested and confined for using sapphire blue in the iris of one of their characters like another author. We CANNOT let this happen!

Don't believe us? Look at the links below, remove the spaces, see for yourself, and please, PLEASE spread the word and fight this assault on our freedoms, because this isn't just going to affect americans, oh no, it will affect EVERYBODY across the globe!

: / www . huffingtonpost 2013/08/07/unauthorized-streaming-felony_n_3720479 . html

: / www . washingtonpost blogs/the-switch/wp/2013/08/05/sopa-died-in-2012-b ut-obama-administration-wants-to-revive-part-of-it /

: / www . techdirt articles/20130805/12472124074/administration-cant- let-go-wants-to-bring-back-felony-streaming-provis ions-sopa . shtml

and the video which caused us to find out about this horrible thing...remove the spaces, and spread the word...

: / www . youtube watch?v=1fTt4K4Cae4

POST THIS MESSAGE AS AN UPDATE TO EACH OF YOUR FICS! PM EVERY AUTHOR YOU'VE EVER TALKED TO AND TELL THEM THE MESSAGE! TELL ALL YOUR OFFLINE FRIENDS AND FB FRIENDS! SPREAD THE WORD FAR AND WIDE!


	5. YOU GONNA HATE ME BUT YOLO

**Hey there friendship! Sorry that you all thought I was dead. I'm not. I came to tell you all that CL is very sorry that she hasn't updated any of her stories in a long time. But fear not my children, for I shall make more chapters for you. Until then, please just remember this saying. Remember it, and you shall live on in this world.**

_**KEEP CALM AND SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DOITSU. WE'RE LIKE GERMANS IN THE SKY. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL LIKE POTATOES IN THE SKY.**_

**Remember what I tell you. This will help you in your journey throughout time and space itself. (It'd be better if you had a T.A.R.D.I.S., but you don't so too bad.) That is all for now. Don't give up on my kiddies; The Captain Lanifer Era has only just begun.**

**Love,**

**~Captain Lanifer~ **_** *insert sexy France wink here***_

**P.S. I believe that GerIta should be full-out cannon. If you agree, write a review that says**_**; GerIta Shall Be Cannon. It Is Prophecy. **_**You have to write it exactly like that, minus the italics. **

**THANK YOU AND HAVE A LOVELY DAY.**


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